Don’t use the S word

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Let us all bow our heads and pay homage to the gods as the granddaddy of sports games prepares to be played out across a grateful nation February 3 – grateful that we’re not talking about the fiscal cliff anymore.

First, remember that because of licensing we can’t call it the SB name, so shhh.

As of yet, I have no earthly idea who will be playing. Even after the playoffs when the teams are announced, I still usually don’t know – unless it’s the Patriots, when I can break out my official Brady shirt and talk some smack.

What I do know is the entertainer for the halftime act: Beyoncé. It should be a great show, at least better than last year’s typically controversial Madonna with that finger-flying accomplice, sweet li’l miss MIA.

However, the true star of the show – especially for those of us who aren’t too knowledgeable about the gridiron and don’t know the difference between a fullback and a first down – is the commercials. Not only entertaining, they help bond the uninitiated with the other guy on the couch – the football encyclopedia.

You know him. That guy, most likely a weird uncle, cousin or your husband’s bud – the one he shares a strange ‘bromance’ with – or maybe, lucky you – it could be your husband.

This is the guy who fills us in on strange statistics, waxes poetic with antidotes from his knowledge of player history; the one who can tell you about the lineman who had a prior knee injury 53 days ago. He can cite the rule on a play even before the ref takes to the field to get his close-up doing that loony hand dance, gesturing like he’s at Studio 54 back in 1973.

Also, for the football-challenged, there are always the tailgating snacks. Nachos, pretzels and dip, burgers and dogs, and my favorite, the bottomless margarita – that’s the trick to sitting through football. It’s also the excuse when you stand up and yell “Gooooaaaaallll! like sportscaster Andrés Cantor imitating the famed Ángel Fernández’ signature rebel yell.

Either way, at my house we’ll be ready, singing, “The game is on; sitting on my lucky couch!”

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