Simmered down


It seems that a lot of people in my personal orbit are having babies and this can only mean two things: I’m going to be attending a lot of baby showers and I’m going to be spending lots of money. I do the latter so I can run away and return after the baby has started walking and forming complete sentences so he/she can learn to say “thank you” when I show up with something nice. As Lady Gaga sang, “I was born this way.”

First time moms are the worst because they make wish lists for expensive items based on aesthetics over practicality. Yes, that gorgeous, overpriced chair that you think you’re going to be cooing your baby to sleep in every night while “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” plays on a loop seems like a good idea in theory. But the reality is that chair will serve as a place to leave things on your way to doing something else and as a cruel reminder that before you gave birth to your adorable infant you had a life that you once called your own. Not anymore. Welcome to motherhood.

All this pre-birth obsession over buying all those perfect items to make you look like a perfect mother is nothing compared to the crazy party you are going to throw the first six months of your child’s existence. This is a party I don’t want to be invited to. Having a baby is hard and it’s nothing like anything else no matter what anyone tells you. And because you have a perfect case of fear and hormones, the only person that can possibly be right about anything that has to do with junior is you. My opinion (along with everyone else’s) doesn’t matter. Which is why I don’t have one.

For the past two weeks I have been waiting for a friend of mine to give birth for the first time and the parade of pride and paranoia are already both in full swing. If she thinks she’s tired now from waiting for her bundle of joy to arrive, she has no idea what tired really is or what she’s got coming. Which is why I have already attended the shower and sent the gifts.

I’ll be back to visit her in like seven years when everyone has simmered down.

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